CAJUN MICROWAVE FOR SALE

It is the year 1462. Constantinople has fallen. Prince Dracula [Gary Oldman] must leave his bride Elizabeta [Winona Ryder] to do battle against the invading Turks. Elizabeta, believing her husband to be dead, flings herself into the river below. Because she committed suicide, the Bishop [Anthony Hopkins] proclaims her soul damned. Consequently, Dracula renounces God and the Church.

March 1897, England. Law clerk Jonathan Harker [Keanu Reeves] must travel to Transylvania to close the sale of 10 London properties being purchased by Count Dracula. Upon his return, Jonathan and fiancee Mina Murray [Winona Ryder] intend to be married. In Jonathan's absence, Mina goes to stay with her rich friend Lucy Westenra [Sadie Frost], who has just recently received three marriage proposals -- from Texan Quincey Morris [Bill Campbell], Dr Jack Seward [Richard E Grant], and Lord Arthur Holmwood [Cary Elwes] -- and she has decided to marry Arthur.

Meanwhile, Jonathan has arrived at Castle Dracula following a strange carriage ride past blue flames and wolves. Even stranger is the Count himself. He never eats, sleeps all day, lives alone in a large castle in which most of the doors are locked, and crawls down the castle walls like a reptile. Jonathan has begun to have strange dreams about three women who try to seduce him. To Jonathan's further unease, the Count seems to be fascinated with a picture of Mina and has forced Jonathan to write letters saying that he will be staying with the Count for another month. Meanwhile, the Count is preparing for his trip to England by filling large boxes with dirt.

July, 1897. Jonathan has been gone for over three months, and Mina is sick with worry, while Lucy is involved with planning for her wedding. But Lucy is not without worries either. A particularly violent summer storm has recently washed a ship of dead sailors upon the beach, and shortly thereafter Lucy has begun her old habit of sleepwalking. Each time she sleepwalks, she returns bewildered and pale. Dr Seward, who has his hands full treating the fly-eating lunatic R M Renfield [Tom Waits] , has taken on Lucy as his patient. She shows all the signs of anemia, but Dr Seward can find no cause for it. Consequently, he has decided to send for a metaphysician, philosopher, and specialist in rare blood disorders, his old mentor Professor Abraham Van Helsing [Anthony Hopkins]. Upon his arrival, Van Helsing immediately begins a blood transfusion on Lucy and places garlic near her bed.

Meanwhile, Mina has begun occupying herself with a man she met near the cinematograph. He introduced himself as Prince Vlad of Szekely, and Mina is strangely drawn to him, as though she knows him. When she finally receives news that Jonathan has suffered a violent brain fever and is being cared for by the sisters of the Blessed Sacrament, who bid her to come to Romania and be married to Jonathan, she realizes that she can no longer see her prince again. Mina says goodbye to Lucy, writes a note to Dracula, and sets sail for Romania. Dracula, heartbroken at losing Mina to Jonathan, takes Lucy as his bride instead.

Lucy is dead, although Van Helsing knows that the correct term is 'undead,' for he can see the fangs in her mouth and knows that she is nosferatu. He explains to Arthur, Jack, and Quincey that, to give Lucy's soul peace, they must cut off her head and take out her heart. They are horrified and think that Van Helsing is just a sick old coot, until they spend a night in Lucy's tomb and find her returning with a child in her arms. When the deed is done, they band together to seek out the vampyre and destroy it.

Mina and Jonathan have returned to London, only to hear that Lucy has died. One night, they have dinner with Van Helsing, and Jonathan realizes that he knows Count Dracula and that he sleeps in Carfax Abbey. After securing Mina at Dr Seward's sanitarium, the five of them -- Van Helsing, Jonathan, Quincey, Jack, and Arthur -- pay a visit to the abbey in order to sterilize Dracula's earthboxes. Meanwhile Dracula is paying a visit to Mina. When she learns that her prince is actually the vampyre who killed Lucy, she becomes extremely upset, but not enough to resist wanting to be with him, to live how he lives. Dracula drinks from Mina, then opens a vein in his chest and bids her drink. However, he stops short after she has taken but a bit. 'I love you too much to condemn you,' he explains. Suddenly, Van Helsing et al burst in the room. They attempt to destroy Dracula, but he changes into hundreds of rats and scurries away.

Dracula knows that he cannot stay in England any longer and books passage back to Transylvania via Varna. Mina and the men follow close behind. As Dracula is in mind contact with Mina, Van Helsing knows Dracula's plans but Dracula also seems to know theirs. Instead of sailing into Varna, Dracula diverts the ship 200 miles north and lands at Galatz, causing a change in plans such that Van Helsing and Mina take a carriage dire

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